The Powers of Light: Clubbing Ancient Baby Seals
by Bob the Magical Tortoise
Summary: It's back, and better than ever! This time, it's Shining Force 2... Rated T for drug content, language, perversion... Fun stuff, neh? Chapter 3 is LIVE! Except it's chapter 2 because the first one was a prologue!
1. Prologue

A/N: Hiatus is over! I bring to you… The Sequel!

* * *

**THE POWERS OF LIGHT…**

**PART 2!**

_**Clubbing Ancient Baby Seals **_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**The Awesome Prologue**_

* * *

Speak in me, O Muse,

Help me rip off the

Odyssey's famous

Beginning anew…

As per usual, this story starts.

Not only does it start with shopping carts,

But in a castle, in the midst of a storm;

A hurricane, for weather was unseasonably warm.

Well, no. I lie. It starts slightly before,

With Slade the rat thief, his cronies, no more.

They go into the shrine, the ancient shrine,

The shrine where are many jewels, fine.

See, Slade enters first, then his cronies follow;

They all go deep into the cave's hollow,

But lo and behold! there is nothing there!

No jewels, no gold, no Smokey the Bear!

But Slade, that rat's a crafty fellow,

He found a way, and with a mighty bellow,

Called, "Over here! I found a hidden door!

There be steps, a chest, maybe even a whore!"

Slade, squealing with glee, ran down the steps to

The chest, opened it, and threatened to sue;

For inside were no jewels, no gold, no Smokey the Bear,

Just Power Water and some ugly fake hair.

Slade threw the Water back inside

Disgusted outside and in his mind.

But then… Something shiny… Something glowy…

Jewels? Yes. Light and Evil, equally showy.

The King sits in his castle,

His castle in city Granseal;

"Quite a storm," he idly said,

To the Minister, a passing skinhead.

The Minister, of course, wasn't paying attention;

And didn't want to start a contention,

So he just said, with resentment in his voice,

"Sure," and went back to reading James Joyce.

Look! A soldier enters! He begins to speak:

"Sire?" Naturally, the Minister responded instead,

"Shut up and go to the tower. Try not to get hit by lightning."

The soldier was annoyed, not finding the Minister frightening.

See, the soldier leaves! The Minister proceeds

To again point out the obvious:

"It's windy." The King looks constipated;

He also starts quoting Star Wars and for this is much hated.

"I have a bad feeling about this…" the King says,

"Close the windows." The Minister, looking with dread,

Obeys reluctantly. "See if I

Help you when Geshp comes with pie."

And now it's back to the shrine

And the jewels, the chest, the tree of pine;

The Rat verbally abuses

The cronies as much as he can, no excuses.

"You idiots! Pull harder! HARDER! Whoops.

This time I'll pull both at the same time and go in loops!

Look at this, you idiots! Look!

OH YEAH! There it is! We got'em!"

The cronies, taking the opportunity

To psychoanalyze with impunity,

Swiftly cry out in a loud voice:

"HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT, BOYS!"

Slade swiftly shut them up, thank Bob.

"Yeah. I feel just great. Go get a job.

Oh, and never talk again, even to beer.

Now let's get out of here!"

In the King's chamber after the Tyson bout…

All was calm, then… suddenly the lights went out!

It's all dark… The King's seeing things…

The Minister, trying to entertain, sighs and sings:

"There once was a man from Nantucket…

Sir! The tower's collapsing!"

"Well, that was anticlimactic

Your songs could use a much better tactic."

"Besides, that's impossible;

You can't destroy that tower, e'en with Red Bull!

Oh, hi, Unidentified Soldier Number One.

Problems? Tacos? Hot dog buns?"

"Sir! The Sealed Door! It's (dramatic pause) OPEN!

I blame the lightning. So not jokin'."

So the Minister, he follows the soldier out,

Leaving the King with none but Geshp the Lout.

Says the King, "This is strange. Everything is strange.

Strange is everything. I dun get it… Mmmm… Open Range…"

And as the shadow of Geshp draws ever closer,

The King finally notices: "Mario beat Bowser!"

Or not. "AAAAAH! Who's there, spying on my gaming!

Whoever's there will get a ferocious blaming

For my lack of any real importance in anything!

Some nachos you had better bring!"

This was, of course, the King's only tactic;

Annoy the foe to death and drink cow's lactic

Expulsions. It doesn't often work,

In case you couldn't guess during your lurk.

Geshp paid him no heed; he simply moved in

For the kill, the tacos, and the whistle tin.

The King screamed and fell down.

No one cared.

And the scene goes ever on and on…

Well, it would; but we're busy fading.

A giant Witch appears; she's trapped you

In a forest; there's no hope of a coup.

She's used a spell to keep you there;

There's no hope of escape; you might meet a bear.

Tell her your name; there is no other choice.

She'll send you on your way…

And the Journey begins…

* * *

A/N: I dunno. Seemed a bit weak to me. Review! 

Did I mention that FFnet's formatting sucks? Majorly? You can't creatively use white space. Plus, stuff gets randomly left-aligned. Anyone want to join in violently hurting the editor?


	2. In Which Bowie Speaks

A/N: I'm a lying bastard. That is all. Now read this replacement chapter.

Disclaimer: I just realized I haven't added one of these yet. So anyway, I own nothing.

_**The Powers of Light… 2!**_

Chapter 1

_In Which Bowie Speaks_

"Bowie! Get out of bed!"

He suddenly heard,

As a shrill voice hen-pecked him

During his dream of a flight-sim.

"You'll be late!" "Mother?"

"Get down here!" "Bother."

The beginning was markedly similar

To SF1, LOGI titular.

Bowie stood upon his bed, fully dressed.

He fell down the stairs, where his mother possessed

The dreaded Frying Pan of DOOM!

He gazed up sheepishly, and—KATHOOM.

He rolled out of the house

And into the town, where the people (no mice)

Treated him oddly. "You mischievous boy!"

"Get to school." "Shut UP, Roy!"

He stopped at the washbasin;

"MMM, soapy water left by the stonemasons!

Glug glug… Yechh! That's nasty!"

Our hero's not very smart, is he?

Eventually, he got to the school,

Pushed past that blue-haired girl

And reached his teacher

In the basement. Such an old creature.

"Ah, Bowie, there you are. You missed

Some high-quality weed last night," Astral hissed.

Bowie was used to this, and recited

The custom'ry reply, never slighted:

"What, Sir Astral? You know I don't use drugs!

That joint you found was made from puppy hugs!"

(Obviously, Astral was so high

That he accepted this without a fresh-baked pie).

"Well, I'll be up in a minute, lad."

He said unto the son of Bowie's dad.

But just as Bowie turned to leave,

"Hey, what was with that storm, old chief?"

"You didn't feel anything… eeeevil?

By any chance? No? Boll weevil."

Bowie ran away into the classroom.

He ran straight into Sarah, who tossed him into a spittoon.

Emerging miraculously clean,

(though with an odd shiny sheen)

Bowie sat down at his desk.

Sir Astral hurried up.

"Hi all! I guess it's a school day, eh?

Wheeeeeeee! Ughh… meh…

Where the hell is Jaha?

Moron's still asleep blahblahblahblahblah…"

Bowie really didn't care at this point;

He stopped listening and started girding his loins

To look lasciviously at Sarah's front

And withstand the inevitable punch to the gut.

Bowie was having a good time;

His eyes rolled back and he started drooling on limes;

Astral took note of this and followed Bowie's gaze;

"Hey Bowie, what are you Ooooohhhhh…." he said, falling into a haze.

Chester looked too, but had no interest in such things;

Rather, he fell asleep and let his eardrums ring.

Sarah wondered why the lesson had just stopped;

Then she saw the drool puddle. Chester's eardrums popped.

Astral and Bowie were both knocked out.

They woke up at the same time with the shout

Of the holy word "breasts!"

Sarah punched them more, not less.

Astral almost got to continue the lesson,

But then a soldier ran in, stabbed everyone (as is the wont of his profession)

And clubbed Astral. "Yarr. You're coming to the castle,

Ya old coot alligator wrastler."

Perplexed by the soldier's strange pirateyness,

Astral didn't resist the urges he felt inside that heart of his.

_The king's in deep trouble if Private Pirate_

_Was sent out… hehe, Pirate._

Bowie and crew were roused

While Astral was dragged out. He winked, and mouthed

The words "Follow me, you miserable…"Oooh.

I don't think we can say that in a Sega game. Darn you Bowie.

Sarah caught on and said, "Woooo!

Let's go to the castle! Alright! Woooo!"

Bowie just stared at her and moved on.

"You'll get to see the princess! Alright! Wooo!"

Bowie thought some perverted thoughts and nodded a yes;

Chester followed suit but with thinking less.

They all ran off, snuck behind the trees,

And reached the castle gates in peace.

"Be very, very quiet…" Chester muttered.

"The faithful guards sleep hard, but still, don't talk, right? Or we'll be scuppered."

Bowie nodded again, and looked at Sarah droolingly.

"WOOO! ALRIGHT! WOOOOO! QUIET YAY QUIET CAPTAIN!" she said jovially.

The guards woke up, of course;

No one can sleep that heav'ly; not even a horse.

"Now see here Missy Varmint,

Why you trying to get in here, damnit?"

"Like, WOOOO! ALRIGHT! THE CASTLE! Woooo…

And somesuch. Listen, chief, you let us in, and I'll—that's tiring, hoo—

(whisper whisper) you a (whisper)."

The guard was filled with emotion and looked for a vegetable crisper.

After all, it's not everyday a girl

Threatens to give you a knife in the gullet, complete with a twirl.

The guards parted ways and the party went in

As the Fates forever all lives they spin.

Twas Bingo Night, and the guards were bored.

Granseal had run out of cows that roared.

"B-9!" screamed the caller-person, but no one cared.

They were all dead, with preprogrammed stares.

(Now some may argue, "Hey! What the hell?

They didn't die all from a pill!"

What hasn't been mentioned is that they're zombies,

Untellable from graphics 16-bit with Reese's.)

They, three total, reached the throne room.

But instead of the king, there was but a magic mushroom.

They ran away screaming, up a flight of stairs,

And found the king's bedroom, site of many state fairs.

"Mmm…hmmm…mmm…ohdearsweetlordyesthatfeelsgood…"

"Damnit dad! Wake up! This does NOT fit the mood

Of a kids' game!" This be Elis, High Ditz

And main reason for calling it quits.

"Astral! Is he dead yet?" cried the Minister,

Thinking as he went: _Please let her_

_Catch this too… kill the king and the princess_

_And I'm gold! Whoops, gotta rhyme. Ummm…breasts!_

"Hmmm. Nothing's wrong with him physically, but…"

"He's suffering badly from something! Cut

Him open and accidentally kill him already!

I mean, operate and keep a hand steady!"

"Perhaps it might be… well…

Did you leave him to violently die, sell

Him out to an ugly green devil-thing named Geshp?

I'm just asking. You could've stabbed him yourself for less."

The Minister was silent. _Damn, how did he know?_

_It's like my plan was being narrated from above by a magical talking hoe._

"You do realize you're just talking in italics?

I can hear you before you bash me with mallets."

"Hey, Bowie, how'd you get here?

Were you list'ning to the Min'ster's plan, merely

Nefarious in its sheer unoriginality?

Don't we all deal with a Devil for immortality?"

"Hey, I just want to be king… Whoops.

Now I will look away while my eyebrow droops.

So anyway, Astral, who are these people?

Will anyone notice if I hang them in the church steeple?"

"_Mumble._ Well. They _are_ kind of my students…

And Bowie's a hero of minimal affluence…

But he's a kid. You can buy him off with ten bucks.

And the rest, well, depends how cheap you are. Buy Ford trucks."

"Well," said the Minister, "These kids look cheap.

Now run off to your deaths… I mean glory… without a peep.

That is the special reason you brought them here,

Isn't that right, Astral, you frail old seer?"

"You're getting ahead, Minister Mutiny.

Alliteration is awesome, artful, and angsty.

Anyway, I'm going to blame the king's flu

On the Tower's opening and a girl named Peggy Sue."

"Now come, kiddies," Astral said with a glare,

"Learn to serve your king by dying painfully, without gray hair

Remember, if there is danger, rush into it headlong.

I'll wait at the back, ready to run."

Astral ran ahead of the rest of them

So he could act annoyed when they caught up to him.

He also told the guard to stand in the way

And harass the three so that he could get more pay.

After killing the guard for being worthless and dumb,

The three ran to an accountant so as to see the sum

Of the experience they had gained. Unfortunately,

There was none. Friendly fire is a deduction, you see.

In disappointment, they took the accountant behind

The Tower, where no one could see them, and his limbs did bind.

His body would have been discovered

If not for the major plot event; that and it never hovered.

Along the way, they found an ugly grey rock;

"What is this?" they wondered, knitting socks.

Shrugging, they kept it in the inventory.

Who knew. They could throw it at somebody.

Eventually coming round to the door,

They wandered through it, looking for more

Grey rocks for use as projectile weapons.

Unfortunately all they found was an old Gandalf wannabe and some German Shepherds.

"Bowie! You're slow!

Get over here! There's no lawn to mow,

So just pretend to do something, alright?

And remember, out of mind, out of sight.

This place makes me feel quite strange…

Either that or the Thai food. Damn chicken free-range.

Holy crapstick! I've seen this symbol before!

It's the crest of Bel-Frank, the Satanic Dinosaur!"

"What's going on?" Chester moaned

"Look! Look over there! What the hump—" Sarah droned,

"What the hump is that thing!"

"An evil Gizmo. It wants to possess the king."

"Wow, Astral, you know everything!" she said

Her eyes filled with wonder and his with dread.

"Can you tell me which phone company saves me the most money?"

"That's not even possible. Just make sure the eggs aren't runny."

"A-hem. I'm here!" yelled the gizmo, "I've appeared!

Acknowledge my bloody existence, would you dears?"

"Ah, right," Astral replied, "Ahem. 'You're here to possess the king,

Ar-en't you? Foul demon! YOU! SHALL NOT PASS!'

Bowie, beat the smoke out of this upstart."

"Don't you mean these?" Bowie replied in fear and burnheart.

"POPPYCOCK! There's only one! Can't you count?!

Ohshit. Asexual reproduction. We're humped. Up mount!"

There were suddenly six more Evil Gizmos!

Horror of horrors! Our heroes are all gonna die before it even snows!

Gizmos are cruel! Wretched! They step on your toes!

It's a fate worse than death (it really does blow)!

Bowie and the gang took the challenge head on!

Even though they only had dull, wooden weapons

And were fighting sentient clouds of smoke,

They charged out and started swinging… at art baroque.

Somehow, the monsters self-destructed.

Bowie and crew went back to Special Ed

And got some experience.

Astral wasn't looking, so they could claim it as their awesomeness.

Special Ed was level two million.

He had three hit points,

But he was level two million.

He was the designated punching bag of bouillon.

Special Ed had a very low threshold of pain.

He screamed when you breathed on a stain.

He screamed when you looked at his veins.

He just plain screamed no matter what, but especially on 5th and Main.

But Special Ed was designated.

He couldn't back out, they said.

And even when he died (for it was inevitable)

They just revived him. So lovable.

Bowie walked up to Astral and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey, we're done!" he said, "Hurry up, you're just getting older."

"What, you're alive? Oh well. There'll always be more.

So. What do you want to do with this devilish whore?

Oh bugger. It disappeared. I am SHOCKED."

"Hey look, there it is!" "Shut UP, Sarah, you silly crock!

I said it disappeared!" "…No, it's right there.

It's laughing at us." "Quiet, blue-hair!

Well, I suppose we'd better go exorcise the King."

So with that the group walked leisurely

Out of the Tower. They found the annoying guard

Asleep at his post, and put in him a glass shard.

In the castle, they were greeted with screams.

"A Devil has entered the King!" "I have fun dreams!"

"Abusive royal parent! Read all about it!"

Kicking the paperboy, they ran to Bedroom Ditz.

"RAWR," said the king, "I'm psycho! Possessed!

Fear my awesomeness, brief mortals and tiny hostess!"

"No way," said Astral, failing to be awesome,

"I'm way cooler than you! Oh! Heartburn!" He took some Tums.

"YARR YOUR MOTHER DARNS SOCKS IN HELL!!!

BLARG BUMBLE CHEESEY BREADSTICKS SALE!"

"Oh. Really," said Astral, "FIREBALL!

Yay exorcisms! Ah. He dodged. Let's talk to a wall."

The dodging happened time and again,

Until finally… It didn't.

The king lay prostrate, unconscious,

And the Gizmo flew out.

"Whoa…" moaned the King,

"Bad trip. And I've got a killer headache. Minister, sing!"

Grumbling, the Minister sang (if it could be called that;

It was rather monotone and flat).

"Yaaa! We must kill the evil Gizmo!

Otherwise it'll possess King Galam in Bismuth!

YAAAA!" Astral screamed a primal cry

While applying war paint liberally.

"…Huh?" replied the king, "What the hell?

Astral, are you high? But wait, I was supposed to sell

Your weed! Blast! You stole my product! You're fired!"

Astral passed out. He was awfully tired.

_Several hours later, in the Great Hall…_

"So, OK. You know why I've summoned you all.

Your mission is to go upstairs and kill

Astral and the King. I mean, the Gizmo Bill."

"So we just sneak upstairs, get behind them,

And cut their throats open? What about the blood, then?

What the hell are we going to do about the blood?"

"Screw the blood! Just kill'em! And get me the crown of mud!"

"Aye, sir! Let's go men! You wanna be a Granseal Ranger!

You wanna live a life of danger!

You don't wanna get raped by strangers!

Put some life into it, ya bastards!"

"Yes, yes, yes! He's still asleep! I like pie!

Just linger in the coma awhile and die!

Hmmm… the King is looking after him.

I must make Astral die. Then Minister Tim—"

The Minister was cut off. He noticed

The kids, who were crying quietly. He threw a shoe. It missed.

One of them mumbled something: "Is he gonna live?"

Then another sobbed, "I don't think we're in his will…"

"He just fainted because he needs to die—

I mean, because he was tired. Yeah, that's right.

Don't worry, kiddies, if he dies, it's okay.

That's one less obstacle to me… I mean, he was old anyway."

"Oh Minister! Are you the-ere?"

The Minister became vibrant, and tried to comb his hair.

"Is he dead? Is he dead? Please tell me he's dead!

Please tell me you killed him, he's dead!"

"Um. What?" was the king's confused reply,

"Astral's awake, anyway. Are the Rangers gone as well as spry?"

"Yup."

"…Crap.

Astral feels something bad is coming.

Something very bad.

Something evil.

Basically, we're screwed.

We have to study our history.

Those who don't know their history

Are bound to repeat it.

And repetition of evil is, you know, not a good thing.

You see, there's this guy named Hawel,

He's northwest of Yeel.

He thinks he's a fluffy towel,

But we need him, so let him be, even if he smells foul."

"My king, I have an excellent idea…"

The Minister said,

Giving our heroes an evil look and a used banana peel.

"Why don't we send these young'uns on ahead?"

"Kids!" the Minister shouted.

"You're going to Yeel!

It should be fairly easy, but try to die.

Do you understand me?"

Bowie shook his head in amazement

"You're crazy.

You want me to die?

I'm, what, ten? I want a pie!"

"YOU DAREST REFUSE MY—

er, the King's ORDERS TO HOLD OUT FOR A MERE PIE?

TRY AGAIN."

"Mmm, I'm still going with no."

"…Come here, boy," said the Minister,

"I have an idea.

I shall give you something no man can resist…"

"…Hell yeah! We're going to Yeel!"

The trio departed the castle,

Leaving the leaders behind.

Now the King was curious.

"What'd you give him, anyway, fo'serious?"

"Like I said, something no man can resist…"

"Volcanon! You gave him my missing…

Collection?" "What? No!

Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"I gave him a biscuit!

A lovely biscuit!

A biscuit so warm and delicious!

It was made of dough and… other stuff! And it was good!"

"Come on, gang!" Bowie cried,

"We're going to Yeel! I get a cookie!!! Though no pie…"

Sarah was shocked. "Wait, what?

One cookie? Think of your friends, you selfish bastard!"

The two bickered the rest of the way;

Chester took no interest, simply chewing his hay.

At the gates, Jaha jumped out from a bush.

"Hey," he said, "'Sup."

"I heard you guys got to beat up Special Ed.

Why didn't you wake me up? Not like I was dead!

You know how much I like his squeals!

Especially when I take an axe-blunt to his toy truck wheels!"

"Wow, word travels fast," Sarah commented.

"Shut up! We beat up some Gizmos! Gizmos, I say! You're demented!

Definitely not Special Ed!" insisted Bowie,

Nervousness as apparent as a dead monkey on a stick shaped like a key.

"Well, whatever. I hear you're going on

A certain-death-mission.

Now, certain-death-missions generally involve lots of sex,

And I'm bored. Where're we going, anyway?"

"It's off to Yeel for us brave adventurers.

Though we may ne'er return in one piece, good sir,

We will fight! Fight! Fight! For Granseal!"

"Dude, Bowie, we're just kidnapping an old man. And he might over-keel."

"Chester, will you let me dramatize as I see fit?

I'm the hero, you know. You're a cinter with nits."

Now "cinter" is a _terrible_ racial slur.

I think you can see where this is going. Brr.

Chester stomped the ground.

His nostrils ballooned.

His eyes started glowing.

Glowing, I tell you, glowing! That is _not_ normal!

Chester charged, screaming his war cry,

(which went something like "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiii!)

and attacked Bowie with his stick.

Bowie parried, but the impact was so great and full of trick…

Both the sword and the stick exploded.

Chester and Bowie were both thrown back and quickly the ground eroded.

When they came to, they were in the shop.

"Sooo… kiddies… want any candy? Maybe a lollipop?"

Bowie screamed, and clutched the nearest thing.

He and Chester had each other in a deathly ring.

The bearded shopkeeper stared at them expectantly, so

They squeaked out, "Sword and a lance, please… d'oh!"

The shopkeeper leaned a little closer.

"Sure, mate… but it'll cost ya…" With a whir

The shop counter revolved to reveal rows upon rows

Of illegal weapons, and at those prices a steal for the Average Joe!

There were "Guard-Killer" Teflon coated swords;

Nine-millimeter Uzi lances with attachable safety cords;

Wicked-looking sniper arrows;

And some wooden rods, too.

"Whoa…" was all they could manage.

"Well then," said the Keeper, whose skin was very tannish,

"One 'Guard-Killer' and one Uzi,

Is that right, (hmm, what're their names…) Suzy?"

"Um, yeah, sure," said they, taking it all in stride.

"Now then, the extended warranty…" Keeper lied,

"The extended warranty guaranteeing full money back

Should you lose any body parts or your life. One hundred coins on pain of attack."

Bowie screamed and kicked the man in the face.

Then, taking the weapons and warranty and declaring a race,

He chopped open the door with Chester right behind.

The Keeper screamed after them, "Thee I shall stalk and find!"

Outside they found Sarah and Jaha

Smokin' a bit o' weed and laughing: "Haha!

You're so short! It's hilarious! I'm not even high!

That was a dandelion I just lit on fire!"

Bowie tapped his foot a bit.

"Ready to go, then?" hoping they would get the hint.

"Where're we going?" "…Disneyland."

"Ooooh! Really? Space Mountain!"

So off they went, Sarah and Jaha thinking

That they were off to see Binky

At the happiest place on Grans;

Maybe they would also get some flan.

On the way, they encountered some

Rats and… oozy… things… which were rather glum.

They didn't feel that the stereotype of their villainy

Was justified, and so they said in dreadful soliloquy.

Chester gave the "monsters" the number of

His anger management therapist. Subsequent love

Drove the monsters away. Honestly, aside from a really tiny bug,

I don't think anyone can withstand a group hug.

They moved on. In the center of Yeel

Was a vegetarian diner which, perplexingly, served veal.

Sarah (with her sudden vegan diet) was convinced

That since it was a vegetarian restaurant, it wasn't a sin.

In the diner, they encountered a man in a monkey suit.

They pointed and laughed,

But he held up a staff,

So they ran and hid behind a tree root.

Rather stupid of them, actually.

Trees are flammable, see,

And this was Kazin, "Master" of Blaze.

Oh, they could have used a maze…

Well. Actually. It wasn't too bad.

Kazin only knew how to start a fire (sadly)

By striking a match and throwing it.

His magic skills could have used some work. Just a bit.

After some evil snickering on Kazin's part,

The other's walked out and took a class in art.

When class got out, they all were suddenly friends.

Kazin would take them to Hawel, who followed all the latest trends.

However, on the way, they encountered more creatures.

Kazin said something about forgetting his matches at the movie features.

After he ran away, they attacked without quarter.

Honestly. Cheap bastards, a nickel per acre.

They didn't really attack.

They just ran around screaming.

The monsters were rather timid,

So they ran away.

Kazin came back from town ten minutes later,

Whistling and dancing along the equator.

He tried to chat up Sarah, regaling

Her with tales of how he vanquished all monsters remaining.

Sarah, of course, beat his skull in.

Then he fell on a misplaced shark's fin.

She healed him, as they needed some fire,

But he knew enough not to risk her ire.

As they reached Hawel's house,

Kazin told them to stay back as there was a mouse.

He tossed a match at the house, and it caught ablaze;

Even this did not him faze.

The Force didn't particularly notice the screams

Coming from the fire. They were eating ice cream.

Some Galam soldiers passing by heard and ran over,

Only to find Hawel burned and blackened (but sober).

Kazin and the others entered at this moment;

Stupidly, the soldiers ran away to eat cement.

Kazin cursed at them, but ran to his master.

"Hey! Are you dead yet, or do I, er, they, have to be more drastic?"

"Cough...Hack...Cough...Kazin...I...am dying...

Peter Piper picked a patch of pickled peppers while I was scrying…

Err. Rather. Don't open the tower... There's a Devil in there...

Keep your jewels safe beneath a goatee of hair..."

"Um. Great. You wanna die now, old man?" Kazin said.

"No... not really... in fact, I think I'm gonna make it! I'm not dead!"

Kazin was struck with fear. "What're you talking about?"

He lit a match and shoved it down Hawel's throat. Hawel died, without a doubt.

Actually, it was probably the gasoline he gargled every night.

It always used to give him quite a fright

When Kazin tried to send matches down his throat,

But, well, kid's do the darnedest things with a bag of oats.

"Bowie," Kazin turned and said,

"As you can see, Sir Hawel is dead.

Now obviously those Galam soldiers killed him.

They robbed him of all his vim!"

"Um." Bowie replied, "You do realize that we all saw you

Start the fire in the hut, and also put a match in him? You'll rue

The day you cause Bowie of Granseal the denial of a cookie

From the Minister! You had better be damned lucky!"

"Volcanon! You saw the whole thing, did you?

Well, I had better go with you to make sure that you

Don't talk. I wouldn't advise sleeping anytime soon.

I won't kill you, but I'll kill your raccoon."

"Vilest of villains! You wouldn't hurt Chester!"

Chester pawed the ground angrily, and his anger did fester.

"Oh, well," he continued, "I guess you can join.

Just don't expect a share of the kills or the coin."

With new friend in tow (of character dubious),

The group set out back to Mount Vesuvius.

However, after leaving Hawel's house,

They encountered more foes, with more muscles than Mighty Mouse.

They flexed! They dealt playing cards from decks!

Neighboring countries they annexed!

They lifted weights, fixed fireplace grates,

And had some good times with their mates!

They were the Galam Army, bodybuilders all;

Not one of them was unable to punch down a wall.

However, they weren't bright and were easily put under thrall;

That just goes to show you: don't get your soldiers from the mall.

"Why did you kill Sir Hawel?" cried Kazin, with eyes wild.

"Durwhat?" replied one flexer in a tone most mild.

"I saw you!" added Kazin, "You burned him from inside!"

Answéred the flexer: "I like steroids! And cherry pies!"

Continued Kazin: "Bowie! We must capture them so as to learn the truth!

Sing us a song as these are savage beasts, so music may them sooth."

"You're kidding, right?" said Bowie, "You know I can't sing at all."

"Now, Bowie, don't be bashful. Belt out your siren call!"

The leader of the bodybuilders approached from the back.

"Lissun up, yoo kids! Get in dis burlap sack

So's we can take ya back ta Galam widout causing any harm!

Den you'll ged some lemmin cookies made by my ma!"

Bowie and the gang continued to squabble,

Until a well-placed kick from Lemon caused them to hobble.

He, the bodybuilder leader, had grown quite frustrated and bored,

So he put them in the sack and tied it up with cord.

When next they awoke, they were in a cell.

Not a body cell, but a jail cell. The cell was hell.

It stank. It had mold. The allergens were coma-inducing.

And their cellmate Bubba looked at them strangely. It was hell.

Bowie was still asleep, so the others made conversation.

"What? But Granseal and Galam were "Special Friends!"

We had benefits, damnit! Benefits!

Why are they invading us? Or is this just bullshit?"

"It's true," said Bubba, "I'm a scholar. I told him

Granseal was our buddy. But no. He threw me in jail, the chimp."

The soldier in the other cell had a similar story to tell,

Which meant that it was the truth or a conspiracy... FROM HELL.

"Anyway," continued Bubba, "Someone clubbed the Seal!

It was meant to live forever, but never need a meal!

The Seal kept the Fish-Demons of WaterWorld out!

Now that it has been clubbed, the world is soused!"

"...How exactly does one go about 'clubbing the Seal?'"

Sarah asked, with suspicion replacing zeal.

"Well, you see, you take your club, and you raise it as high

As you possibly can. Then you bring it down really fast, maybe on rye.

...Chester, how do you know this?"

The centaur turned bright red.

"I don't get out much," he said,

"So I just go to the Caverns and hit stuff."

"Stuff? You mean like a Seal?

Did it grunt when you hit it? Did it look like an orange peel?

Was it a baby, but covered in dust?

If it were iron, would it have rust?"

"Erm. Maybe? I don't remember.

There were two shiny things in the center,

But they were stuck. Oh, and they had stuff written in flakes.

One said 'Jewel of Beer' and the other said 'Jewel of CAKE.'"

A rat stirred in the cell with the soldier and Sarah.

"Jewels? I've got jewels! Protect jewels... and hair...

Wait! They took my jewels! No! MY JEEEEEWWWWELLLLS!"

"Hey! Are you talking about some jewels?"

"What? Was I whispering in my sleep again?

I really have to stop doing that. Now gimme some Uncle Ben's

Rice. I'm hungry. Never said anything about any jewels.

'Specially not one's marked Beer and CAKE and Spools."

"Rat, do you realize that you've doomed us all?

You took the jewels! Now the world will fall!"

"Wait, seriously? ...Crap."

"No, I'm kidding, you poor stupid sap."

"Then what's the point of the jewels?"

Sarah inquired, "Really. Seems like only fools

Would put valuable stuff there ripe for the taking."

"That's because it's really ripe for the faking.

The jewels are there because they look pretty,"

Elaborated Bubba, with a slight grin,

"They're decoys. Thieves, like this moron sitting

Here, will take the jewels and not come close to the Seal's fin."

"So what's going on with Ground Seal?"

Sarah was getting frustrated. Turning on her heel,

She started to pace. Bubba grinned wider.

"Well, see, someone clubbed the Seal. Probably a writer.

You can't trust a writer. The conniving bastards

Will betray you at every turn. Only worse are their masters,

The dreaded publishers. Straight from hell, they are.

And you really can't trust them to drive a car.

Anyway. That's why all this has been going down.

Now I'm going to take a nap. By the way, don't unlock Moun."

Bubba collapsed and fell asleep on the floor of the cell.

"So someone clubbed the Seal..." muttered Chester as off went a bell.

The rat's rice was done. He popped open the microwave

And started eating. The group turned and waited for him to cave.

Finally, Chester broke the silence.

"Rat. Did you hear what you did? Or do we have to be violent?"

"What'd I do? Don't hurt me! I didn't mean it!" the rat yelled, cowering.

"You broke the seal by removing those jewels!" Chester lied, towering

Over the rat even though he was in the other cell.

"You have to make up for it! REPENT SINNER! OR BURN IN A THOUSAND HELLS!"

"OK! I'm repenting! I'll let you out! But I'm following you

Around at least to Granseal. And I will sue

If you abuse me. As sure as my name is Slade, I'm helping you!"

Chester grinned maniacally. This day Bowie would rue.

For getting them out of jail, Bowie would never

Be able to call him a "cinter" ever again. EVER.

Slade swiftly picked the locks and let everyone leave.

Oddly enough, Bubba and the soldier stayed there, peeved.

Slade took them through a secret passage

So as not to be caught with the masses.

Those dreadful common people, you know...

Honestly. They're all so grimy and low.

Through the kitchens they went, around the hallways

Until finally they encountered a balcony; a balcony with a maze.

This balcony was directly above the Great Hall of Galam.

And lo, King Galam was addressing the Guards of Lambs:

"As you all know, our messenger to Granseal died.

Unfortunately, he tried to eat my soul while trying to ride

A Ferris wheel, so I had to use my Demon Breath on him.

Now obviously, it was Granseal's fault! Them and the light! It was dim!

Normally, we would let this grievous offense

Go with no repercussions. But I'm bored and restless.

So we're going to invade. War is fun, anyway."

The Guards were obviously unnerved, but too lazy to say.

Naturally, some murmuring went on, but Lemon

Quieted it rather quickly. "Lissun, chaps -- Hey! Kevin!

Shuddup! Anyway. See dis old guy? He's da King.

An he'll kill yoo if yoo refoose. Now move out an sing!"

"We like war.

Killing people is fun.

We like war.

Wheeee!"

After this rather unenthusiastic marching song,

The Great Hall was deserted. Or was it? You'd be wrong

If you said yes. However, the remaining knight was

Apparently invisible to all but his cuz.

The Knight's cuz said to him, oddly unredneckedly,

"Wow.... You've got a nice... Jewel... Really…"

"Yeah. I know," the Knight replied, obliviously,

"The King gave it to me. Wanna see?

It's called the Jewel of Beer,

And it's very precious indeed.

It has such power that mere

Mortals cannot see.

The secret of the Jewel of Beer

Is that it can make things great.

It can turn anything you want,

Money, power, women... into beer. It's awesome."

While the Knight and his cuz chattered away,

Bowie and Slade snuck down the stairway.

They ran into a soldier who said he was Hal.

But he didn't open the pod bay.

Swiftly murdering Hal before he got too loud,

They ran past the security camera, which made a sound.

The sound alerted the Knight, and his non-stereotypical cuz.

They armed up and screamed with zeal, "Go watch _Hot Fuzz_!"

The battle was quick; the Force did prevail,

And would soon for Troy set sail.

Er. That's the wrong poem.

Soon the Force would return home.

Before the Knight died, Slade took his Jewel.

Turning the Knight into beer, despite his screams of, "You fool!"

Slade drank him down.

Slade's screams filled the castle with sound.

"Volcanon! That's light beer! What sick, twisted

Mind would come up with something like that? Assisted

Suicide is looking awfully good... Volcanondamnit!"

Sarah snickered and went back to reading _Hamlet_.

"I've got to find the other Jewel! That one

Has to be the good one." Slade said, making no fun.

Bowie cocked his head at this proclamation.

"How do you know that the other one is good? Maybe it's for decimation."

"The only thing decimating here is this light beer.

Anything is better than this, I fear.

Anyway, it's the Jewel of CAKE.

Please be warm and strawberry, then!

Anyway, Bowie, you can have this then.

I don't want it. Volcanon! The horror! Send

It away from me!" Slade collapsed in terror.

Bowie took the Jewel, taped it to his neck, and left it there.

"We won't lose this anytime soon!" he triumphantly said.

But soon he collapsed on a randomly appearing bed.

When he woke up, it was three seconds later.

The Jewel was fused to his neck like a rabbit's sister.

Bowie tried to pry it off with a crowbar

It wasn't coming off without his head or a katar

Attached to it. He shrugged and felt the other's pity.

Ah, well. At least it looked pretty.

Leaving the castle, they reached the town proper;

They were looking to buy some weapons of the highest caliber.

Walking straight past the shop that said "Weapons" on it,

They found a narrow path through the forest, set in just a bit.

At the end of the path, they saw a small boy.

Approaching him, they quietly said the secret phrase: "The soy

Raven sings at the Asian food sunset. You got the stuff?"

The kid was confused, but replied in a voice, very gruff:

"Yeah, I got the stuff. Yup... The stuff you ordered...

Uh-huh, that's the stuff." The Force stared at him expectantly.

"Um. I like trees! And...other plants, too.

...Please don't hurt me. I have saplings. Two!"

Bowie sighed and wandered away, the others tailing behind.

He entered the weapons shop with no peace of mind.

Inside was the stalkative Keeper.

"Hullo..." he said, his grin growing like a creeper.

"Now then, boy... we can discuss... payment..."

Bowie screamed and stabbed the Keeper through the gut.

The Keeper collapsed to the ground, rolled around, and at last lay still.

"It's over..." gasped Bowie, "I finally made the kill."

Reaching behind the counter, Bowie took Keeper's

Secret stash of extra-potent Medical Herb from beyond deeper

Waters. A hit of this grass would kick your ass.

And that's not all—it had zazz.

Bowie walked out of the shop and tossed the baggie

To Kazin. Kazin was in desperate need of more pot.

His stoner's grin was fading. If he wasn't stoned,

He might have to deal with life on his own.

The group, now with fresh drugs, set off from Galam.

However, upon leaving the walls of the compound,

They came across a camel. The camel

Alerted the troops left behind, the alarm to sound.

"Halt! How'd you get out? You're supposed to stay

In town until we've conquered Granseal for the day!"

"Er. King Galam wanted this... one thing... to win...

If you delay us more, he'll consider it a sin!"

"Well, if you've got a big package, I guess you can go...

Well. Nah. I had better take it. Soooo...

Why don't you just let me take your big package?

He'll get it soon enough. Ahuah, ahuah! Major hackage.

Hey! Wait a second! I put you in jail!

How'd you get out without the magic pail?

Ohhh, did King Galam release you to bring him the item?

That's probably it. Just don't fight him."

The sentries allowed them to pass without more fuss.

Twas good; if it came to a fight, their hair might be mussed.

In Granseal, they noticed the dead and the frightened.

Pausing to make fun of them, they laughed like the mighty.

Passing the pet store, they saw the empty cages.

And lo, a whimper! A giant mutant tortoise, fearing mages,

Was hiding in a tiny house.

It cooed when Bowie approached, but would not eat a mouse.

Bowie named the creature Bob, though it said its name was Kiwi;

He beat it with a stick until it agreed to Bob and then ate seaweed.

The tortoise followed them around until they reached the castle.

Once there, it became a feudalist and proclaimed itself a vassal.

Once in the castle, they heard sounds of battle.

Lemon, the Bodybuilder Leader, was fending off Astral

Atop the stairs. "Don't make me use dis!"

He cried, displaying his biceps.

"Really?" said Sir Astral, voice full of disappointment,

"That's it? No magical sword? No terrifying book of appointments?

Really, Lemon? You could do so much better. Come work for us. Please."

As he said this Astral kicked him in the testes.

A scream broke the silence of the Hall.

Twas Elis! Horror of horrors! Robert Duvall!

Astral raced after, dragging fetal Lemon,

Screaming, "You kids follow me! And remember to kill Kevin!"

When Bowie, groaning, headed for the stairs,

The Minister and King stopped him in mid-air.

"Hold on!" said the King, "I must be certain

My daughter is all right! King Galam has nefarious and evil curtains!"

"And I," the Minister began, "must make certain that

The High Ditz dies wearing her hat!

Er. That is, should she die.

I'm not gonna kill her or anything. I don't have shifty eyes!"

Taking this as all the evidence they needed

To prove the Minister's intentions were not greedy,

They allowed him to accompany,

Somehow not noticing his lack of a hat from on high.

They ran to the tower as fast as they could.

Lying in the doorstep was Lemon, near dead.

He spoke: "I shoulda lissuned ta yoo...

Dose steroids wuz demonic, frum J. Crew!

I noticed when I grew horns and da head uva sow.

Oh well. King Galam is inside da tower now…"

Lemon gasped, and gasped again.

"Quickly! Befo I sacrifice uh hen!"

Lemon appeared to have died, so they paid him no heed.

Making sure not to step over his body, they found some weed.

"This must be Galam's most nefarious plan!" Bowie declared,

"He plans to replace everyone's weed with this stuff! I suddenly care!

Reliable weed dealers are hard to come by!

If Galam gains a monopoly, then our business is fried!

We'll be forced to pay outrageous prices for even an ounce!

Vilest of villains! Your profits we shall trounce!"

Bowie suddenly wished he had not killed the Keeper of Weed.

True, he was slightly pedophilic a few times, but he had good Healing Seeds.

Now all of Grans would be under Galams heel!

Twas a truly gruesome fate. He craved some veal.

After traversing a lot of steps to reach the main room

Of the Ancient Tower, Bowie and friends encountered a broom,

Astral, and Galam the Demonic Dealer, who was holding Elis hostage

In an attempt to drive Granseal's drug trade out of the business' metaphorical bear cage.

"Astral, you're so persistent," Galam sighed,

"Why won't you just hand over your weed supplies?

If you do, I'll let her go."

"You lie! All legit weed dealers need a ho!

What do you intend to do with the weed anyway?"

"You haven't guessed? By gaining a monopoly

I shall take over the world! First Grans,

Then the mainland! And then... Rune's sands..."

Noticing the new arrivals, Galam for sanity did plead.

"King Granseal! Surely you value your weed

Less than your daughter's life?

Choose quickly, or she shall eat a knife."

Within King Granseal's mind, unused brain cells

(That is, all of them) were in the fires of a thousand Hells.

_Do I save her, or do I smoke some pot?_

_Volcanon! Why must I choose?_

While Granseal thought, Astral was busy preparing

A paralysis spell perfect for the daring

Plan he had in mind. It involved pinning down Galam

And running away amidst the bedlam.

However, Galam noticed this as well,

And prepared a spell himself inside a really big bell.

The two spells went off at once and paralyzed both mages.

Then a roast duck was prepared with rosemary and sage.

Galam was prepared for every contingency.

Realizing he couldn't move, he summoned Devils to kill the

Insane, foolish mortals attempting to stop his plan.

Why, he would be quite angry if he still had his glands.

Bowie and the gang fought long and hard

While the Minister and the King stood stock still and stared

At the battle, and the tiny tortoise terrifying the terrible Texan monsters.

When the enemies were destroyed, only Galam remained...

Galam was suddenly unparalyzed!

Horror of horrors! Bright, garish ties!

He grabbed Elis and shot out a flaming ball!

They dodged, but took a hard fall.

"What's in this Tower, Galam? Why's it important?

What could possibly be worth war with Granseal?

It's not the weed! You could do that from home!

You need the Tower for something, you lawn gnome!"

"You're right, Astral, as you normally are.

I'll give you a demonstration of the Tower's power!

Watch! I shall use this Jewel of CAKE to open

The EVIL WORLD! There your soul I will send!

If I send a soul into the EVIL WORLD,

I shall gain the ultimate prize!

Fertilizer! Fertilizer so precious that it will make anything grow

Bigger! Stronger! Twenty feet tall!

Imagine, Astral, a twenty foot marijuana plant!

It would revolutionize the industry! The slant

Of the sales graphs would be eighty-nine degrees!

Even you, of all people, this can see!"

As he spoke, a black abyss appeared behind his insane visage.

"Volcanon help us, that had better be a mirage,"

Bowie muttered fearfully.

_Satan Is My Motor_ was all he could hear.

"Here they come now, Astral! Fear the wrath of the Devils!

Your soul shall make for a wonderful fertilizer for several

Plants!" Two light tubes descended from the gaping vacuum.

However, King Galam was about to learn to never assume...

The Tubes swallowed Galam and Elis both.

As the two started rising, Galam's pot garden began its growth.

He began to weep as he saw the twenty-foot plant.

If he were religious, he would have been sure to chant.

The Minister, meanwhile, was exceedingly happy;

Finally, the only heir was going to be

Dead! Now if the King would die, too...

"King Granseal, you're good at acrobatics, aren't you?"

The King for the first time felt overrated.

"Thirty years ago, maybe. I hope I haven't dated

Myself.... Bowie, you're young and annoying.

Would you like to die for your country?" he asked, with "patriotism" cloying.

They forcibly threw Bowie at the tubes.

He tore off Galam's Jewel of CAKE and various lubes,

And engaged in a vicious aerial fistfight.

Admittedly, it was more like one punch, but from far away... What a sight!

Even from her close perspective, Elis was mighty impressed.

"Whoa! He's so awesome! Like, sex!"

Bowie dropped off, not being into sluts.

He hit the ground hard, falling into ruts.

Galam screamed primally, now missing his beloved Jewel;

He and Elis fell into the abyss, a fate definitely most cruel.

With the closing of the gateway, the whole land began to quake.

Bowie ran forward to leave and stepped onto a rake.

The Minister and the King had to drag him and Astral out;

They knew that if they missed the title bout

They would regret it. Leaving the Tower,

Navigating the maze, they ate a lemon. It was sour.

When they reached the castle, it was still shaking.

Holes were appearing and no one was baking.

They reached the only door leading out to the town

And were greeted by soldiers, who soon fell down.

The soldiers fell down into a hole. A hole appeared behind

Our heroes as well. They were of the mind

That the gods must hate them, for this was too cruel.

However, there was an out, and that was through the school.

Wandering out of the school, they made their way to the piers.

The fishing boat was there, with all the town drinking beers.

They talked to the Captain, Keeper's twin brother,

And sailed away, away from the land of their mothers.

The entire town, castle included, fell into a giant chasm;

The earth opened up and swallowed it with one last spasm.

Only the Ancient Tower still remained.

It could never be destroyed. It was rather insane.

Out on the ocean, the leaders held conference.

They knew not where to go, so in deference

To the King, they asked him where to go.

Depressed and befuddled, he had answers none.

Finally, he sighed and gave up.

"Let's go to Parmecia... Volcanon knows we can't just sail

Around to some other part of Grans...

Onward! To the Mainland!"


	3. Oh Look, a Continent

**The Powers of Light: Clubbing Ancient Baby Seals**

Chapter 2

_Oh Look, a Continent_

_

* * *

  
_

Life on a ship is a terrible thing

Always rocking about like a porch swing…

Confined spaces, conflicting races, everyone with maces,

All the same faces, all the same places, only so many vases…

Life on a ship is quite a trial to endure

When all you can think of is how sure

You are of becoming very, very sick.

At any rate, you had best avoid Old Vick.

Vick was a curmudgeonly old bastard;

Always cranky, hardly helpful, and self-proclaimed master

Of all things he could put himself in,

Whether or not it involved his kin.

Every so often, the King would institute

An arbitrary law for a time (a law most cute,

It must be said) banning all forms

Of alcohol in houses, towns, countrysides, and dorms.

For Vick, however, this he could not abide.

For those who wanted the law to be defied,

He ran a sort of speakeasy in the guise

Of a pet shop, catering specifically to spies.

He would offer many otherwise unavailable drinks

From ale to water from the kitchen sink,

Exotic mixes with umbrellas most tiny,

Even appletinis and fuzzy navels, served whiny.

Every so often, in a fit of despair

At the ineffectiveness of his new law regarding air,

The King would declare a sort of anarchy

Giving into his wishes from power to be free.

Unfortunately things didn't work that way.

The King was always back at his post by the end of the day

Rewriting the laws of his kingdom

And occasionally using his pen to stab his thumb.

At this point Vick would shut down his speakeasy,

At least until the next time the air got breezy

From the sudden winds of changes of legality.

He saved the alcohol, because he quite liked frugality.

Now on the ship, Old Vick had resurrected

His bar as a place where frogs could be dissected,

The men could be themselves,

The women could be someone else, and the children could be elves.

In addition to being elves, the children

Were presented with questions beyond their ken.

"What is the capital of Rune? Do you think my name looks good with a 'k?'

What the hell is this wooden plank for anyway?"

Yet still the children stayed in the ship's bar;

Where else was there? They could not go very far

Being on a boat; they simply tolerated the questions bizarre

And drowned their confusion in glass jars.

Like all the other young ones,

Bowie et al sat in the bar eating Honey Buns

And pondering their lives in this new paradise

Called Parmecia. Would they grow wheat or rice?

Agricultural opportunities, operational lunacies—

These things bored Bowie, and he forcibly ceased

Thinking about them lest he slip into a coma

By bludgeoning himself with a tomato, Roma.

As their discussion reached an awkward halt,

They began to think depressing thoughts and reached for their malts.

_What if we never reach Parmecia?_ they fretted and furrowed;

_Does it even exist? Is it in this direction? Should we have sewed?_

As these thoughts are sometimes wont to do

(Except when they're not), they began voicing themselves to Sue

The rather comely barmaid and Drew the comely barman.

Vick had had to hire workers besides his apprentice, Dan.

Vick looked over at the table with disgust.

"Damned ungrateful kids," he muttered, "I hope their bucklers rust.

Why, when I was their age, I never wasted time complainin'!"

This was not true. He always did, especially when it was rainin'.

Bowie suddenly looked up from his depressive reverie;

He alone had not been talking to the comely ones, you see.

But now there was something making him mad;

A clunk! A thunk! What spunk this future chunk of fresh meat had!

To slam down a mug in front of Bowie

Was a great mistake, much like sewing.

He kept his rage in check, but withheld the mate

Until he could see whose life would end upon this date.

'Twas old Vick, bearíng advice unasked for:

"You, sonny-boy, need to get yourself a whore!

Go bowling! Play some golf! Eat some food with lots of salt!

Relax a little is what I'm saying, or else you'll end up in the vault…"

Bowie was speechless for only a moment.

He needed that moment so as to foment

His annoyance into anger.

He grabbed a nearby coat hanger.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't beat you with this,"

He said to old Vick, "Or is ignorance truly bliss?"

"You ill-begotten little punk!" came the reply,

And with it a condescending sigh.

"You kids have got it easy!" said old Vick,

Quite stereotypically, the total prick.

"In my day the boats didn't have bars and…

Stuff. We just had sand!"

"Anyway," he added, crankily,

"I know what I'm talking about. I've been out to sea."

"Yeah? When?" asked Bowie, insolently.

"Really?" queried Vick, "You dare question me?"

Vick walked away, anticlimactically.

Bowie suddenly heard a clink, and saw a key

That had just fallen off of Vick's chair.

This was an opportunity most rare.

The key, with any luck, was to Vick's storeroom.

Bowie's eyes lit up and a plan loomed

On the horizon. Dragging Jaha over next to him,

Bowie asked him to risk life and limb.

All this, in the pursuit of what, exactly?

Alcohol! Glorious, glorious alcohol! He,

That is, Bowie, knew what would be

Were he to possess all alcohol on the sea.

He would be rich! Beyond all wildest dreams!

He could do anything! He could own a baseball team!

So knowing this, he recruited Jaha to his cause

By offering a coupon for a free appletini and bearclaw.

The plan was thus: Jaha would go to old Vick,

And then proceed to play a little trick.

Within hearing range of the old man,

He would pronounce a personal problem, perhaps involving a pan.

Vick would surely not be able to resist,

For clearly he always knew best.

Bowie and Jaha got into position

And prayed their theft would not lead to perdition.

Now, a furtive glance!

A complex hand signal! Now was their chance!

Jaha made his move to distract,

And Bowie… Caution was something he lacked.

Half the bar had seen the signal

And began staring at Bowie as if he were a seagull

Brazenly stealing their food while they ate lunch

Abovedeck. Someone readied a punch.

But lo! A stroke of good fortune!

The little turtle-type thing, not having much fun,

Spotted land through the window!

Miracle of miracles! "Land Ho!"

Minutes later, a crash! The boat

Had run aground on the beach, without so much as a vote

For where the landing point should be.

That's the problem with living in a monarchy.

The King himself came down to the bar,

Calmly stepping over the Minister's far-

Outstretched foot as he regally walked

Down the stairs, where he talked.

"Friends! Well, subjects then!

Grab hold of your possessions and your hens!

We have reached the mainland!

Now let us walk hand-in-hand—"

"And do what exactly?" inquired Vick,

"What is this, some sort of trick

To aid these young rapscallions in

The theft of my booze from this cabin of sin?"

The King went slightly white,

Not particularly out of fright,

But exasperation was a possibility.

For arguing senselessly, Vick had quite a proclivity.

Attempting to pick up where he had been interrupted,

The King continued, his data uncorrupted,

"Now let us walk hand-in-hand,

To the beach with its wonderful sand,

And start a new life here in Parmecia!

We shall build a new Granseal, and call it Keesha!"

"How about we call it New Granseal?"

Piped up one voice, with a realistic feel.

Twas not the argumentative Vick,

Who was struggling with a newly-induced facial tic,

But Astral, who had taken to frequenting the bar,

As he would during any long journey not involving a car.

Much murmuring and muttering meandered through

The room. "Yes, New Granseal!" "Has a certain ring, like shoes!"

The King glared at the wizened old wizard,

Who pretended not to notice, instead looking at a note card.

"Anyway," said the King, focusing attention again

On himself, "As soon as I count to ten,

Start dismantling the ship for wood.

Volcanon knows we can't just use the nearby acres of forest, or hoods."

Turning to the Minister, who had been

Sneaking up behind him with all the subtlety of a wren,

"Minister! Give me a trumpet fanfare!

Make it reverberate through the sea air!"

The Minister followed the King out most disgruntledly,

Making trumpet noises with his hands cupped sillily

Over his mouth, over constant cries of "Louder, Minister!"

"DA-da-DA-da-DA-DA-DA-DAAAA! _Damn him and his coat of fur…_"

A solemn silence had settled over the bar.

The patrons had realized something and all looked at their jars.

Someone had to dismantle the ship.  
But who? They'd have to have a good hip…

At once all reached the same conclusion.

"Bowie… You and your friends, unless you want to be shunned,

Will be dismantling the ship while the rest of us

Drink lemonade and stuff. Don't make a fuss."

The other five members of the Force

Glowered furiously at Bowie and Jaha, who quickly morsed

A message to any who could hear:

"No! I'll go overboard first!"

Jaha proceeded to rip a plank from the floor;

The plank sprang up and sent him flying out, but not through the door.

Instead, Jaha got his wish.

He went overboard to be with the fish.

"Oh well. Jaha needed a bath anyway,"

Said Sarah, apathetically chewing on a piece of hay.

"No kidding! He smelled like a feedlot!"

Added Slade, looking through the bar's various pots.

There came a whisper from the other side.

"Bowie!" it said, as though something had died,

"I just dropped my last box of matches in this vase of water!

Do you think they'll still be usable? Shall I have a son or daughter?"

Bowie went to the voice, with nerves of steel.

"Now, now, old chap, all wounds heal!

Well, most do. Okay, some. Anyway.

Stop whining about your matches, Kazin, or you know what Sarah will say."

"Well, then, while I'm destitute,

Would you carry that big board over there by the prostitute

Upstairs? Please? Pretty please?" he begged.

"…Fine, but your new house will soon be egged."

As Bowie passed in front of the board,

He thought to himself, in a leonine roar,

"Do I really want to do this? Yes, no?"

He finally said yes, and behold, it was so.

In a flash and a fade-out he was abovedeck.

A muscle-bound shirtless man aboard the wreck

Called some other freakishly muscled workers

To come get the plank and possibly a hearse.

"There's no way someone like him

Could carry this board without a limp.

Come take this plank, brothers! Mock

His lack of strength and throw at him your socks!"

Bowie was about to retreat below deck in disgust,

When suddenly another man (with a faint hint of rust),

Looking just like all the others,

Came running up screaming for his mother.

"Help! Help! North Cave! Trouble and such!

My gratitude and an oven, Dutch,

To whosoever comes and solves my problems

For me, and possibly these pants will hem!"

Spotting Bowie, he turned to him.

"Bowie, you've got a sword, right? And much vim?

And you're still in deep shit from trying to thieve

All the alcohol, I believe?

So how about it Bowie? Will you help?"

Bowie was presented with another choice. He yelped

A little. Yes or no? Yes or no?

If he said no, wouldn't it just be a show…

"No. I'm not doing it," he said definitively.

"Sorry, what was that? Say it again, please."

"I said no. Find someone that's not me."

"I'm afraid I can't understand you. Gee."

The conversation proceeded much like this

For quite some time. "Fine," Bowie finally hissed,

"I'll do it. After this I'm done though, understand?

I don't care if you lose a hand."

So, dragging his friends along for the ride

(Including Jaha, pulled out of the sea while trying to hide),

Bowie followed the helpless, shirtless man

To North Cave and a beautiful suntan.

When they were in sight of the Cave,

Their guide cried, "Now! Please save

Him! Look! He's unconscious and lying down!

Clearly he must be magically bound!"

And then, with a foreboding whoosh of a musical flourish

Three creatures appeared around the unconscious one, looking quite foolish.

They yelled something that didn't quite make it to our heroes.

It was a fair bit of distance. Numerically, it had many zeroes.

The Force's guide fled in terror as the enemies multiplied.

Witches! Goblins! Goblins with arrows! The Force would have to defy

All these, and possibly some oozy things as well.

Bowie calmly paused and rang a little bell.

After all, there's no need to be uncivilized about things.

The bell's little ding-a-ling-a-ling

Was the signal for the start of the battle.  
It also meant "Please remove your cattle!"

The Force simply divided.

Division can cancel multiplication, so don't deride

The concept. They reached the cave

And the unconscious friend, who thought he was at a rave.

Their guide rushed back into the picture.

"Thank Volcanon you're safe! That mixture

Was too unstable, I always said.

Oh. The cave is blocked off. I wish you were dead."

His formerly unconscious friend stared in awe.

He really didn't understand what he just saw,

But he was willing to accept it if it meant

The end of verbal abuse when he was late on rent.

It was time to go home, everyone agreed,

Time to go home and get a pint of mead.

They made the long trek back to the beach,

Some of them eating a peach.

They got there just in time to see

The ship disappear and the nearby trees

Turn into a city. "It's New Granseal,"

They whispered, dropping orange peels.

Their home had spontaneously appeared,

But it was clearly unfinished, at least so they feared.

It looked as though it had a wall

And three houses, none of which had halls.

But it would have to do.

It was their new home, and it had a seaside view.

Where else was there to go?

No, now there was grass to mow.

_And for a time they were relatively happy,_

_Even if it all seemed a little sappy._

_Sure, the castle got finished long before_

_Everything else, but things were good at the core._

* * *

_Chapter 2_

_Oh Look, a Continent_

_~Fin~_


End file.
